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Bush's Opening Act: Jim Connaughton Print E-mail
Written by Samantha Hulkower   
Wednesday, 16 April 2008

We were so excited to hear President Bush's climate change speech today that we tuned into C-SPAN early and caught the end of a press conference with Jim Connaughton, chairman of the White House Council on Environmental Quality.

Connaughton essentially talked about what Bush would be be talking about, followed by a question-and-answer session. Just for reference, phrases "in quotations" are what Jimmy said verbatim, while the italics are our interpretation/translation of the answers that we couldn't write down fast enough. The questions are all real.

If any of you lucky readers caught the speech, you'll know we didn't even have to try to be snarky -- the reporters and Connaughton really did all the work for us.

Q: Since Bush a lame duck, isn't it true that the rest of the world doesn't care what he has to say?

A: The President is responsible for ridding the world of ozone depleting substances, which trap more heat than natural GHGs; other nations were so impressed with his courage that they followed suit, including India and China. The entire world is looking to what the US is doing, how we are setting and meeting our goals. [Us -- really? We thought we lost our hegemony roughly around March/April 2003]

Q: There is already criticism coming out that Bush's plan will not do enough. Is this the final plan or an opening volley for further negotiations?

A: "I challenge any other country to show us a better path that doesn't harm our consumers, create global trade wars ... We have a regulatory train wreck coming," if the Democrats have their way, their new regulations will shut down schools and hospitals. Is that what you patchouli-smelling anarchists want?

Q: We get the president is supportive of some mandates [the 20-in-10 plan], but would the president consider mandates that capped carbon emissions?

A: "We've only seen disastrous proposals." [We don't need] "mandates on mandates." Moron.

Q: The president has a goal already that he thinks is achievable, why not make it mandatory?

A: Flatscreen televisions didn't come around from mandates. The private sector can come up with cool things without Big Government making them. [actual example given by Connaughton, we couldn't make this stuff up] The President also wants to allow private sector electricity generating interests to be part of the discussion emissions reduction discussion. [Energy Task Force part II anyone?]

Q: Is it possible that by using existing environmental regulations we could end up misinterpreting the intention of regulations like the Endangered Species Act?

A: Using the Clean Air Act to reduce GHG emissions will trigger the apocalypse.

Q: Shouldn't voters have the right to make sure that the Endangered Species Act isn't trumped to build new power lines?

A: Allowing voters to have a say in legislation "does not make good public policy."

Q: Corn-based ethanol is destroying the world and creating food crisis, what are you going to do about that?

A: Hello, Bush said "switchgrass" in the SOTU about a million times. And you hippies are asking for renewable fuels, you can't have it both ways.

Q: How does today's speech fit into the post-Kyoto plan?

A:

We are leading the world in climate regulations and other countries cower in our powerful shadow.

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You copied this from The Onion, right?

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We are so screwed.

(Short term.)
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